sadness

I have so much sadness right now, I want to do whatever I can to help myself. I am no closer to my goal than I was a year ago.
I need to dedicate my life to myself. I love my family, but if I dont do this for me. Nothng else will matter.

Never too late to start over

196 days, thats how many days I have until we set sell on my cruise, and I want to lose 50 lbs by then. I know way easier said then done. I am going to focus on one day at a time.
I just want to be healthy. I want to start living life.
My Short term goal is to go parsailing and horseback riding on the cruise.
My Long term goal is to be healthy enough to have a baby.
Between my PCOS and my Diabetes, the only thing that is going to work is weight loss and exercise.

I cant sleep

I was up all night, I just couldnt fall asleep. I keep thinking about my dad. I miss him so much. But I'm extremely worried about my mother. I know my pain is unbearable, but what about her? She lost her husband, her best friend, her everything. This month they would have been married 46 years. Can you imagine? He lived for her, did everything for her, and now he is gone. She feels so alone. I know she has us kids, but its not the same. She is scared and lonely. She is worried about her future. She is looking to me for guidance, but I dont know what to tell her. I dont have any of the answers.

Change

Well, 2009 totally sucked, I lost my father the day after Thanksgiving, My Uncle Bryan, (my dad's twin brother two weeks later 12/10, and My Uncle Tom 1/1, I don't know how we got through the end of that year, but I did it, and now I need to focus on me, I need to make my dad proud.