sadness

I have so much sadness right now, I want to do whatever I can to help myself. I am no closer to my goal than I was a year ago.
I need to dedicate my life to myself. I love my family, but if I dont do this for me. Nothng else will matter.

Never too late to start over

196 days, thats how many days I have until we set sell on my cruise, and I want to lose 50 lbs by then. I know way easier said then done. I am going to focus on one day at a time.
I just want to be healthy. I want to start living life.
My Short term goal is to go parsailing and horseback riding on the cruise.
My Long term goal is to be healthy enough to have a baby.
Between my PCOS and my Diabetes, the only thing that is going to work is weight loss and exercise.

I cant sleep

I was up all night, I just couldnt fall asleep. I keep thinking about my dad. I miss him so much. But I'm extremely worried about my mother. I know my pain is unbearable, but what about her? She lost her husband, her best friend, her everything. This month they would have been married 46 years. Can you imagine? He lived for her, did everything for her, and now he is gone. She feels so alone. I know she has us kids, but its not the same. She is scared and lonely. She is worried about her future. She is looking to me for guidance, but I dont know what to tell her. I dont have any of the answers.

Change

Well, 2009 totally sucked, I lost my father the day after Thanksgiving, My Uncle Bryan, (my dad's twin brother two weeks later 12/10, and My Uncle Tom 1/1, I don't know how we got through the end of that year, but I did it, and now I need to focus on me, I need to make my dad proud.

Week One

New Challenge began last night. I really want to do good this time. I have my sister's wedding in 5 weeks. (Have I mentioned that it is a strapless dress?)
I kept my food and exercise log all day, I'm really gonna try to stick to "If your a biting, your a writing" thats what my coach is always saying. I've had 1020 calories today, and 60 grams of protein, and really upped my water intake today. (that also increased my exercise, since the bathroom is on the second floor, lol)
I did the Jillian, 'No More Trouble Zones' video. Wow, its crazy. My upper legs are really feeling it. I can only imagine what I will feel like in the morning. I'm proud of myself, I got through the entire thing. I had to modify some of the moves, but I did a lot better than I thought I would.
Im also really trying to move more at work, I got up and walked a lot more than usual.

Weight Loss Challenges

I'm back, Hopefully for good this time. I know I keep disappearing, but its because I'm so frustrated with this plateau. I keep going up and down, I feel like I'm on the rolller coaster from hell.
My Weight Loss Challenge ended this week, I lost 11.5 inches, but only 1.4 lbs. In 9 weeks, I only lost 1.4 lbs. How sad is that?? I know that its better than gaining, but darn it, I want, no need to lose weight.
I'm supposed to start another challenge next week. I dont know if I should, or if I should just take a break. Dont get me wrong, I'm not talking about giving up on the weight loss, just taking a break from the weekly weigh in classes. I just feel so frustrated with my lack of progress, that Im stressing my self out to the point where I am gaining, which is depressing me.

I finally have access to a computer so I can post more than 150 characters, Yay!!

So this is the first week of the weight loss challenge. I am doing pretty good so far. I did try to eat some Tilapia today, it was not so good. I tried this seafood rub seasoning on it, but it didnt help. I will keep trying, I'm sure there is some kind of fish that I will like.

I am in such a funky mood, I'm not sure why, I cant seem to sleep, I am covered in hives all over my arms.